Fear · Hiding · Sin · Sorrow · The Broken · Truth

COULD LIGHT BE WORSE THAN THIS?

 

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Do not give power to what you hate by hiding it! Do not keep safe what should be destroyed. Do not fear what will happen when your secrets are brought into the open, fear what you will become if they are not.


The darkness closes in around me, I know this place well. I am comfortable if not happy here. My cage, my cell, my security. I run my fingers over the familiar cold bars & press my body into a corner. I could swear the damp walls have grooves in them left by my own form. I’ve been here many times before, you see. The darkness knows me as well as I know it & we have come to terms, we’ve made a deal- I embrace the dark, and in return it keeps my secrets forever.

“What secrets?” you ask, ahhh but that is exactly why I am here- so that you & the rest will never know. Yes, it is dark, so dark I feel as if my very soul has soaked up the black, but that is exactly what makes it so sickeningly perfect. Here in this pitch black, everything is kept hidden & still. The light that some seem to love is a terror to me, a knife to my throat, an end to my silence. I have too much, far too much to hide.

So this is why I am here & do not think to distract me. I feel my way deeper into my prison until my knuckles scrape against a stone, a stone upon many stones- an alter. I reach into my tattered breast pocket but no, you will not know what it is that I pull out for that is my destruction, my scarlet letter. And letter after letter I lay my guilt on the stones watching the blackness smother them, and as always I feel it smothering me with the same clenched fist.

So this is how I live, although I don’t suppose you would call it a life. I am safe, my secrets are safe & that is all that matters to me. So don’t look at me with your disapproving eyes, don’t you understand what would happen if light were to fall on this place, my pedestal of wretched things & evil? If people were to see….but NO, I won’t even think it!

I curl up at the foot of my alter like a baby in the womb & let the knowledge that my secrets are safe numb the pain of knowing that I am completely & utterly alone in the world. The night is my only friend, yet it only seeks to bury me in my own shame & fear. This is my hell, my chosen torment. Could light be worse than this? I wonder….


Do you think this is nauseatingly depressing and full of sadness? So it is. It is a bitter reality that MUST be talked about. The reality that we all have something to hide & when we choose to hide our weakness, our sin, our brokenness, we leave ourselves far more broken. When we are afraid of the very light that could save us, we are our own murderers.

This is about us- the girl who cuts, the boy who was abused, the man addicted to pornography, the woman who suffers depression, the teenager filled with anger, the wife who committed adultery, the church kid who does drugs, the preacher who has doubts, the businessman who feels like a failure, the dad who yells, the mom who sometimes hates her kids, the son who steals, the daughter who lies, the grandparents with guilt of the past. This is about us.

Evil is never to be loved, but the TRUTH is!! Sorrow is not sought out but healing MUST be! Our shame is the broken window into which grace can fly. Do not bar the window! Do not give power to what you hate by hiding it! Do not keep safe what should be destroyed. Do not fear what will happen when your secrets are brought into the open, fear what you will become if they are not.

There is rest for the weary, grace for the broken, forgiveness for the sinner. There is hope found in the light you are running from. Will you stop running?

 

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2 thoughts on “COULD LIGHT BE WORSE THAN THIS?

  1. As someone who has struggled with depression, your post really struck a chord with me! I do sometimes feel like I’m caught in my own trap and looking for a way out but at the same time shying away from that exact same way out!
    Thank you for your beautiful words!

    Like

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