Fear · Freedom · God · Inspiration · Peace · Truth

I FIGHT GOD

I fight God. Almost every day I lift my skinny arms and try to wrestle His will into a shape that I can hold. I barter and beg, I accuse and blame, anything to try and manipulate life to go as I had planned.

One morning I woke up and felt unworthy, broken and like a candy wrapper that once held something wonderful but now was empty and crumpled on the streets of life. I felt good for nothing but to be thrown away. And that morning God said, I have some amazing adventures for you today, are you ready? And I shouted “HECK NO! Don’t you see me lying here empty and useless?” I wrinkled myself up even further hoping he would look past me for someone more capable. I fought Him.

But God picked me up and pressed my edges out. He smiled at my empty shell because he knew all that He could fill it with. He said “I know you feel empty, I nodded quietly and he scooped me up into his arms and placed grace and love in my heart and said, now go and let me do amazing things through you.” I stepped forward on shaking legs and found that His power was made perfect in my weakness.

The next day I woke up and my heart beat with the fullness. I was alive and enamored with my own strength. I was ready to make myself and everyone proud. My cup was full. And that morning God said “Be still and know me.” I cried in frustration and yelled “I’m ready to change the world for you, I have no desire to slow down! Look at all I am doing and all the great things that I WILL so! See how full my cup is?” I was ready to be still when I was empty but now I had no time to stop and listen. I fought Him.

But God lifted me up and tipped my cup upside down. I watched as mud dripped from it’s depths. “Child,” he said “Your cup is full….of yourself. I am the living water and only by abiding in me can you be full. Come to me, rest and be still and let me place MY grace and love in your heart again.”

And these are the days I fight God.These moments when my ideas of myself do not match His love for me. His strength is not limited to my brokenness and His plans do not cater to my pride. When I see myself as ugly, He shows me how beautiful I am, when I imagine myself as good enough on my own, He shows me how much I need Him. And it is only when I sacrifice my own will that I am able to be as strong as He made me to be.

Today I am not fighting. Today I am praising Him for never seeing me as I see myself, for never being limited by my ideas of him, of me, of the world. Today I am thankful that He is not part of the status quo, there is no bar to measure up to or fall short of. There is only Him. And in Him is where I find all I am, all I want, all I need. EVERYTHING.

 

 
Sacrifice

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9 thoughts on “I FIGHT GOD

  1. Great post! I find myself often getting excited about some task I believe God has set before me. Then, I take it into my own hands and tell Him how we are going to accomplish it. I grasp at any chance of control I can find. Of course, it never works, and He patiently reminds me to listen to Him.

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    1. Love your thoughts on this! Isn’t it crazy how we even try to love God on our own terms. Haha We try to tell HIM how we can do it best. Like you said, He is SOOO patient with us!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is incredible in the way you expose yourself in your weakest of moments in faith and extoll God’s grace and infinite patience with you. I really appreciate your vulnerability in this post and the way you tell a story about being human in faith, and ultimately recognizing one of our biggest mishaps as followers of Christ is trying to fill ourselves instead of having HIM fill us. Such a difference it makes to distinguish the two and fully apply that principle to our spiritual journeys. Thank you again for sharing this!

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    1. Vulnerable is the only way I know how to write. In fact I think that is WHY I love writing. 🙂
      I think you “get” this post very well. Thank you for reading and understanding!
      I love the community of writers and also fellow Jesus lovers that Blogs provide.

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      1. I have to relate to you again; without vulnerability, we limit ourselves as writers. I try to always push myself in my posts, both for the development of my skill, and also to “be real” with the reader. I think that’s important as a writer. I’m so glad you feel I “got” this post. It was a pleasure to read! Truly, I am grateful for those who are so understanding, and who appreciate my writing style, intentions, and goals in writing (To influence people and to help them understand difficult concepts). Looking forward to reading more of yours!

        Liked by 1 person

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