Almost 10 months ago, I wrote these words:
“I stand frozen, blocked off from the world until I have something to offer them besides tears and fears and broken pieces…..I can’t heal when I am sick and I can not feed others when I myself am starving. I have to turn away from the people around me because I can not stand having nothing to give.”
Reading this paragraph tonight, I shudder at the feelings that still linger around the edges, the loneliness, the hopelessness. I still taste the lies that rested on my tongue and the fear that drove my fingers over the keyboard. I still know these words well because I fight them every single day.
I wrestle with the belief that sharing my weakness will make others weak. I battle the fear that my sadness will make others depressed. I fight the lie that being strong is always what other people need from me. But what if my weakness gives someone the chance to be strong for me? What if friendship is sealed through tears? What if they really want to hold me while I fall apart? 10 months ago I believed I had nothing to give because I had no strength to offer others, but what if my very weakness and need was something to be given?
I say “What if” but really I don’t mean it. I am not asking “What if?” now, I am stating “I KNOW!” I KNOW that offering someone my heart, bruised and hurting is a gift to them. I KNOW that crying in front of a group of people may be the most real and true and healthy thing that happened in that day. I KNOW that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness and I KNOW that I do not want to rob others of seeing His power by hiding my struggles.
I KNOW THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO GIVE even if it is gift wrapped in tears. I KNOW THAT AN “I NEED YOUR HELP” IS SOMETIMES THE GREATEST & TRUEST THING YOU CAN OFFER A FRIEND.
I am learning. Will you learn with me? I don’t want us to waste our pain anymore! I have come to admire those who allow even their broken pieces to become a puzzle that they open up and allow others to help fit together. And though the pieces will never, this side of heaven all find their place, it is a community effort, it is a bonding experience, it is life. Good life.