Tonight I pulled into my driveway and crawled out of my car. My shirt stuck to my back and my face was moist with sweat. The humid air in my car gave way to a breeze as I walked across the gravel towards the house.
Shoulders slumped and mind racing, I was completely unaware of my surroundings until for one brief moment I looked up at the sky. It was misty and grey and just light enough to take my breath away at its chalky beauty.
Within an instant, I was flat on my back, gravel digging into my spine, bugs shuffling out from under me. I did not notice any of that because my eyes were fixed above me. Head propped up on my Billabong purse, feet crossed and arms wide open, I looked up at the sky and was still.
It was in this stillness that I heard a question- “Samara, do you think you are God?”
What? Do I? No I don’t! Well…do I? Maybe..kind of?
No I’m not crazy, I don’t have some wild idea that I am any sort of deity. But this week I’ve felt like I had to be God. Anxiety was ruling over my week, I was trying to make everything happen NOW, my friends and those I loved all seemed to be falling apart and I wondered how I could be everywhere at once and be enough for myself AND others.
Do I think I am God? No. But do I think that I have to save everyone and everything? Maybe. Do I think that I am what they need, what I need? I act like I do. But am I God?
No. No I am not. And I am not good at playing like it either! In this moment and with this question I was humbled. I had been like a child grabbing an officers badge and gun and trying to become the law, only to end up shooting myself accidentally instead.
So tonight, here on the ground, I grabbed the badge and tossed it back to God. Not that He ever needed it and not that I ever could have handled it. But I needed to admit it was His and not mine.
And then I felt the rocks stabbing into my back so I sat up. But I sat up with so much less weight. Friends, let God be God. He has it. He is enough for others. He is enough for us. We are not. Sometimes the very thing we need to do is the very thing we hate to do- let go.
AM I GOD? No I am not! But I know who is and I am throwing myself and all those I love into His arms tonight. He is the only one strong and brave enough to carry it all!
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1