She is never far. She is there just behind my back, silent, still, then fierce and wild. Sometimes I feel her brush up against my legs and so I quicken my pace, yet I can never seem to outrun her. Other times her breath seeps into my skin and I am chilled no matter how many blankets I cover myself with. Most of the time her little arms reach around my neck and cut off my breath. I choke, I falter and stumble & wonder if I will ever be able to get up again. She is small yet her weight is enough to crush a bull. She has always been my companion though I have repeatedly rejected her. She goes by many names, but deep down she is just Sadness.
What I have noticed lately is that she does not want to stay in the background anymore. The place where the only way to get my attention is with a strangle hold. She peeks around my waist and waits to see if I will shove her back out of sight like I usually do. I’m too tired to tonight so I let her come around and face me. She grips my hand like a vice, looks into my eyes and I look back. We meet face to face for the first time. No longer fighting to get my attention, she relaxes her grip on my hand and crawls up into my lap. She pats my face leaving tear trails with her fingers & then curls up against my chest for the night. She is heavy, my heart hurts from the pressure but I am not choking. I am not fighting. I am no longer pretending she isn’t there. I am ready to live with her. I am ready to ask her why she came. And maybe someday I will grow to love her.