She is never far. She is there just behind my back, silent, still, then fierce and wild. Sometimes I feel her brush up against my legs and so I quicken my pace, yet I can never seem to outrun her. Other times her breath seeps into my skin and I am chilled no matter how many blankets I cover myself with. Most of the time her little arms reach around my neck and cut off my breath. I choke, I falter and stumble & wonder if I will ever be able to get up again. She is small yet her weight is enough to crush a bull. She has always been my companion though I have repeatedly rejected her. She goes by many names, but deep down she is just Sadness.
What I have noticed lately is that she does not want to stay in the background anymore. The place where the only way to get my attention is with a strangle hold. She peeks around my waist and waits to see if I will shove her back out of sight like I usually do. I’m too tired to tonight so I let her come around and face me. She grips my hand like a vice, looks into my eyes and I look back. We meet face to face for the first time. No longer fighting to get my attention, she relaxes her grip on my hand and crawls up into my lap. She pats my face leaving tear trails with her fingers & then curls up against my chest for the night. She is heavy, my heart hurts from the pressure but I am not choking. I am not fighting. I am no longer pretending she isn’t there. I am ready to live with her. I am ready to ask her why she came. And maybe someday I will grow to love her.




  1. Very precious and genuine…..I think a certain Dr. Larry Crabb knows your little friend and has encouraged me to welcome her as well………..there truly is a River of Sadness that runs beneath the lives of all who are willing to face life honestly.

    Read slowly………
    “We don’t like to hurt. And there is no worse pain for fallen people than facing an emptiness we cannot fill. To enter into pain seems rather foolish when we can run from it through denial. We rebel at the thought.that because of sin, the route to joy almost always involves some sort of internal suffering. We weren’t designed to hurt. The physical and personal capacities to feel that God built into us were intended to provide pleasures, like good health and close relationships. When they don’t, when our head throbs with tension and our heart is broken by rejection and sadness, we want relief. With deep passion, we long to experience what we were designed to enjoy.

    Modern Christianity, in dramatic reversal of its biblical form, promises to relieve the pain of living in a fallen world. The message taught is too often the same: The promise of bliss is for now! Complete satisfaction can be ours this side of heaven. Some speak of the joys of fellowship and obedience, others of a rich awareness of their value and worth. The language may be reassuringly biblical or it may reflect the influence of current psychological thought. Either way, the point of living the Christian life has shifted from knowing and serving Christ till He returns, to soothing, or at least learning to ignore, the ache in our soul.

    We cannot count on God to arrange what happens in our lives in ways that will make us feel good. We can, however, count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain and sorrow continues to plague our hearts.”
    ― Larry Crabb


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