I fight God. Almost every day I lift my skinny arms and try to wrestle His will into a shape that I can hold. I barter and beg, I accuse and blame, anything to try and manipulate life to go as I had planned.
One morning I woke up and felt unworthy, broken and like a candy wrapper that once held something wonderful but now was empty and crumpled on the streets of life. I felt good for nothing but to be thrown away. And that morning God said, I have some amazing adventures for you today, are you ready? And I shouted “HECK NO! Don’t you see me lying here empty and useless?” I wrinkled myself up even further hoping he would look past me for someone more capable. I fought Him.
But God picked me up and pressed my edges out. He smiled at my empty shell because he knew all that He could fill it with. He said “I know you feel empty, I nodded quietly and he scooped me up into his arms and placed grace and love in my heart and said, now go and let me do amazing things through you.” I stepped forward on shaking legs and found that His power was made perfect in my weakness.
The next day I woke up and my heart beat with the fullness. I was alive and enamored with my own strength. I was ready to make myself and everyone proud. My cup was full. And that morning God said “Be still and know me.” I cried in frustration and yelled “I’m ready to change the world for you, I have no desire to slow down! Look at all I am doing and all the great things that I WILL so! See how full my cup is?” I was ready to be still when I was empty but now I had no time to stop and listen. I fought Him.
But God lifted me up and tipped my cup upside down. I watched as mud dripped from it’s depths. “Child,” he said “Your cup is full….of yourself. I am the living water and only by abiding in me can you be full. Come to me, rest and be still and let me place MY grace and love in your heart again.”
And these are the days I fight God.These moments when my ideas of myself do not match His love for me. His strength is not limited to my brokenness and His plans do not cater to my pride. When I see myself as ugly, He shows me how beautiful I am, when I imagine myself as good enough on my own, He shows me how much I need Him. And it is only when I sacrifice my own will that I am able to be as strong as He made me to be.
Today I am not fighting. Today I am praising Him for never seeing me as I see myself, for never being limited by my ideas of him, of me, of the world. Today I am thankful that He is not part of the status quo, there is no bar to measure up to or fall short of. There is only Him. And in Him is where I find all I am, all I want, all I need. EVERYTHING.